Many environs and microcosms exist in a world that at times seems like it’s purely against you. This list is about seeing the significance of those microcosms and keeping your reality as pure as possible by not engaging in petty competitions with unenlightened people who only think they have your best interest at heart. Thinking and knowing are different verbs.
Sometimes, a partner can only think to have one’s best interest at heart, when they will never have the ability to, either because of how they won’t move out of their own way to grow, or because you two are simply incompatible, or because you’re too insecure, or because your partner is too unstable/insane, or any other reason that has happened or will happen as long as the human race exists. This piece is meant to be a polemic, because if one stands for nothing, they fall for anything.You have to just say no to the bullshit; don’t settle for a rocky relationship when you deserve nothing but the best that life can offer you, because if you do, it’s your fault. On that same token, you also have to make sure you are being the best partner you can be, and if for some reason you cannot or will not achieve that goal, you should examine whatever obstacle lays in your way, whether it be an outside influence or something within yourself, because you and your partner should be nothing but the best for each other.
This is 2013—humans have had a lot of practice being together. Don’t you think you should get it right?
1). amnesia after arguments.
Have you ever had a heated, albeit frothy argument with someone, and then less than 20 minutes after the raging tides have subsided he/she says something to you that’s completely unrelated to what you were last arguing about, as if the slate is clean? I call this “post-argumenative amnesia,” when your opponent tries to change the subject after some downtime from the argument, and proceeds to ask you what your problem is after they’ve finished offending everything that you stand for for the past *(insert time here)*. This is NOT tolerable in my book, and it is not feasible to come at someone who actually thinks about the repercussions of the chronic disregard of human feelings to ask them, “What are you mad about,” with a straight face and a solid vocal delivery, completely dis-acknowledging the issues as though they’re past-tense. You know the type of people who do this? — that’s right, narcissistic fuckheads.
2). evasion/omission of the truth.
Ever listened to your brother/sister/mother/dog/bf/gf/boo-thang rant about something they just “want you to know” so much that things start to sound suspicious? I mean, just what exactly are they covering up so much as to feel they have to filibuster their way out of telling the actual truth of the matter? There’s a time limit you should put on this mindless behavior, and it should be no more than 3 minutes. If your boo wants to talk to you about why he/she wants you to find a job, and starts with the details that appeal most to you (increased autonomy, mo’ money in your pocket, more chances to get out the house, etc.)….and ends there, then the message isn’t complete because I can guarantee you that the ninth time you both have this “conversation" they’ll be telling you that you need to help pay rent. Is paying rent where you stay a bad thing? Is it wrong? The answer to both of those questions is "no", but when someone is having too much fun swinging on the pendulum, going back and forth between "Don’t worry, I got you, boo,” and “When someone lives in a house for months, they contribute,” and “I’ve been paying my way since I was 15…blah blah blah blah blah,” I bet you can’t help but to start and think that making any kind of investment in this place/situation just isn’t worth any of your energy, time and trouble.
"Waaaaaah, my name is *(insert name here)* and I’m shitting my pants like a bitch because my fucked up decision-making got me into this mess of not being able to pay my rent!"
Three things. One: I’m not burping this ungrateful ass baby, for it can burn in hell with its shitty diaper on. I’d much rather listen to the exhaust note of a 6.3 litre V12 AMG engine than the sounds of your chronic bitching and moaning. Two: You should’ve known whether you were going to be able to pay this month’s rent or not. David Ramsey and I both can vouch for one planning their fiscal month BEFORE it starts, in order to have a solid perspective of their OWN money flow. If you’ve been paying your way since 15 and you still haven’t learned how to plan ahead then congratulations, you’re going to be forever poor and forever alone (*even though the cure for cancer has most likely been found…). Don’t be hard-headed when someone is trying to raise you the fuck up. Three: Do you want a fucking cookie? Is your name Polly? Do you want a cracker, bitch?! Just because you’ve been paying your way since you were 15, doesn’t mean you’re anything special. You know what I was doing when I was 15? I was making news publications and working en route to earning a spot in my first-choice, Ivy League University. Yes, bitch, I started from the bottom too. Get the fuck outta here.
*QUICK NOTE: If you clicked on “started from the bottom”, and couldn’t bare watching the whole video, congratulations, porque tampoco no pude aguantar esa mierda…
I bet your so-called partner isn’t thinking about the non-financial stressors that you’ve to endure while living under “someone else’s roof.” I bet they don’t know shit about how you constantly feel like you don’t belong, how you’re not prone to sing/dance/act/model/play trumpet the way you do when you’re not under “someone else’s roof”, and how you have an issue trusting someone when they burp the familiar words, “You can be comfortable here. This is just as much your home as it is mine,” because you remember those words meaning nothing the few years ago you had to stay with your kind and loving extended family just to have a chance to go to that quality public high school that you would eventually create a legacy in, and for that you can also smell the bullshit that just dropped out of your partner’s ass-for-a-mouth!!
Don’t participate in joke-exchanges with someone who uses their jokes as an avenue to get at what they really think about you. Come on, we all know that all jokes to some extent are watered-down bytes of truth, so why would you tolerate someone telling you that you’re a girl (when you’re not) because you take the time every day to make yourself presentable, because that’s one way you feel good about yourself and you know that order in the physical realm is synonymous with order in the mental realm? I don’t spew venomous, passive-aggressive spitballs at you for not doing your own laundry, letting piles of dirty dishes and bottles hostilely take over your room like Satan is gonna have an orgy in it later, and sleeping in the bed sheets-and-comforter that you’ve been cyclically eating, drinking, drooling, fucking, sleeping naked, sweating, and being sick in for the past month.
But actually, don’t come at me, bro. You’re a loser.
4). When they wait to have liquid courage to tell you what they really think of you and your efforts.
If your partner tells you that they become dangerously garrulous after throwing back a couple of drinks, and they’re already mega-opinionated, you need to stay away from them whenever they start hitting the bottle. Tipsy laughter and a side conversation about real estate can easily devolve into a tactless head-chomping about how they saved your ass that one time and now they think you owe them for everything they’ve done. All of a sudden, one way becomes “the way”, and a lack of alternatives or a spectrum to give some life and color to those bleak binaries prove to be just as mega-frustrating for you as your partner is magically courageous enough to “tell you about yourself” and henceforth disrespect your whole stance on life and what you’re doing to ameliorate yours in t-minus 10 minutes. Trust me, that one time they lost a couple of friends in high school because of a drunken verbal diarrhea session is a WARNING SIGN you need to take heed of. Don’t let yourself get disrespected. Avoid the bullshit when you smell it.
5). saying one thing means another thing. (more lies)
The sun may be shining, and the weather might be quite nice, but that doesn’t ever mean that you should settle for your partner continually saying fishy shit like, “I don’t want to make you mad to the point of you ending up not wanting to speak to me or hear from me again, ya know?” Chances are that your partner has done something quite grimy that will hurt you in the long run, so cut the red tape and the endless strings of “you-love-me,-right?“‘s stepping on that tube of toothpaste, your partner, until they tell you the truth about how you both are doing (how the toothpaste oozes out).
A few pointers: - "No" doesn’t mean "yes," it means "No." - "I don’t want to do this" doesn’t mean "let’s do it later." - "I’m going to help maintain the room" doesn’t mean "Imma go back to being a slob tomorrow afternoon." - "Let’s have honest dialogue" doesn’t mean "Imma tell the truth in spurts of passive-aggressive, loaded jokes" - "I pinky promise to not smoke weed more than once a month, as per my resolution" doesn’t mean "Ok, Imma smoke a fatty next week and hope he don’t say nothin’."
BE A PERSON OF YOUR WORD. IT’S NOT HARD. BE HONEST. IF YOU WON’T BE HONEST, THEN YOUR WORD MEANS NOTHING…NOT. A. GODDAMN. THING!
Trust is a very fragile piece of equipment. Just like it takes your brain as little as six repetitions to learn a new habit, any disruption in that repetition means you’ll have to start from scratch. As for trust, it doesn’t matter if you’ve spent 20 years building trust with someone else if you end up losing it within the next 20 minutes. Of course, this goes both ways, but what’s most important is that you realize this!